When can you finally let it go?

When can you finally let it go?

Just because you don’t like someone doesn’t give you the right to stop someone you love from seeing her. I keep repeating that through my mind all weekend but that doesn’t seem to be helping. He loves you. Why do you question it?
Do I not really believe in love? Do I really think that no one could love me that way?
Its not that I think he will do anything with her. I threw away that idea a long time ago. She would only do a hook up. She’s not a relationship type girl and he’s not someone to just randomly do that on a whim. Then why does it still bug me?

I guess its all my insecurities. How much I rely on him. That I don’t deserve him. Maybe it bugs the hell out of me he doesn’t seem to care enough about what I think to change. Maybe it’s the fact that the situation is all about a girl. Another girl. Jealousy?

I really don’t think its jealousy. What do I need to be jealous about? Is there something about her that I am jealous about? Not really. When I really think about it, there is nothing really that I wish I had in place of her. I have my family. I have my friends. I don’t cheat guys out by just flirting. I don’t worry about my weight. I don’t have the need to force independence on myself. I don’t fling myself onto other guys in order to get acceptance. I have girl friends. Because I don’t cheat them either. I know how to keep friendships.

Then what is it that annoys me. She’s a blond, decently attractive, smartass. What about this whole situation annoys me to tears and threatening to end a relationship that I enjoy.

Is it the need to have a relationship like them? They seem to have a strong bond. They sit around and talk for peets sake. TALK! Not go out and do stuff. But bake and talk. We talk. Not for hours at a time. But we do talk. We have become such close friends. We are both lovers and friends. We bake also. But its more intimate than they do.

Should I really blame him? She is a close friend of his. Its like Chip, Connor, Tony, Andy, Alex, John, etc.! I would never in the world think that they would be more than brothers to me. I hug them. I get excited to see them. How is this different? I am completely creating a double standard in this situation. The difference? I don’t hang out with them alone late at night, one on one. NEVER! I don’t see that as right. I am putting myself in a situation that no matter what is going to look bad.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe I take things from the way they look. Maybe I think that looks are all that things are. He doesn’t believe in caring what people think. If he knows the truth, then it doesn’t matter what people say. It that really true? Is it not a lie?

Do I really not trust him? I guess I don’t trust people easily. I’m always skeptical. I never believe words a full value. Maybe it’s the fact that he told me early in our relationship that he is a good liar. So how am I suppose to believe that he is telling the truth? Is it the fact that he lied about going out with her because he knew that he was doing something that would hurt me? If it would hurt me, why would he do it? If he cared about me, he wouldn’t want to hurt me. I trust him, with me life, with my heart, but when it comes to telling me the complete truth about him and her, its not 100%? Is it because he lied to me once, so in the back of my mind, I can’t really believe him?

Should I really be in a relationship where every time I go away, he hangs out with her? Do I really want to sit back and watch another girl flaunt herself at him?

Why should I worry? Its not like she has any intentions of doing anything serious with him. She’s not that type of person. She can’t be with one guy. Nor can she really commit at any time. She gets her happiness from have guys attention. That’s her happiness. Why should I ruin her happiness?

But she’s using him for that. Maybe I don’t want him to pay another girl that attention in that way? Is that really so shocking to believe? All she does is flirt, with the way to walks, the way she talks, and she’s a real life nymph. She knows how to get a guy’s attention. She knows how to manipulate them. And she’s good at it. Any weak guy would fall for that. Especially one that falls easily.

He fell in love with me so easily. Maybe that’s why. Maybe I think he can fall in and out so quickly. Fast enough for me not to realize. I took the whole “falling in love” thing much slower. It has a different meaning to me. I see my grandparents and my parents and think “that’s what I want”. I don’t just throw my heart out there to anyone. So when I finally do, I worry.

I am a natural worrier. I worry so much about my heart. I know I have support, but its still something so important to me. I need it so much. I refuse to have it break. But if I don’t give it fully to him, is the relationship still ok?

A loving relationship requires the whole heart. I have to give up my hold on it and trust it in the hands of another person. Why is it that so hard for me? Because I am such a control freak. I need to know where everything is and why. Maybe that’s a big snag in our relationship. He goes about the world not really caring. He does things without thinking. If he thinks its right then he can do it.

I’m not like that at all. I need things planned. I need them secure. I need them in control. But he doesn’t care about that at all. I cant deal with that. Maybe that’s why our relationship doesn’t always completely work out. Maybe that’s why there is always something on the rocks.

So what should I do about it?

I really don’t know. I guess there is nothing really we can do today. Maybe skype. But well he is busy (hence this whole rant). I would talk to him about it. But this subject is so old. And it goes some much deeper than I thought it did. Even writing all this, I realized that there is so much more than I thought.

We already have stuff to work on. More stuff than this. It all has to do with my need of control. I don’t know if I will ever have a functioning relationship with this problem. But I’ve already given my heart away. At least a majority of it. What am I suppose to do about it? Am I strong enough to go through something like that?

Of course I am! I have support. I have my family and all my friends. Losing someone you love, not by death but by choice, is extremely hard, but it will not kill me. But do I really want to do that?

He’s my best friend. He makes me so happy half the time. But only half? Is it really only half? No, it’s more. Those minor incidents make me frustrated really for just a second. Or do they really? I always seem to have my mood drop drastically because of it. Is that really his fault though? Or is it just me being unreasonable?

Can I really change the way I react to something? Can I really change what I care about when it comes to a relationship? Can I really change the way I act?

WAIT! NO! I am not changing for this. I am who I am. And if it gets him mad and frustrated, well so be it.

I am Katherine Elizabeth Fary. I love who I am!

Prom

I'm not use to prom being this exhausting. So many little details that need to be taken care of. It makes things a lot harder if people decide not to care.

List of things:

-Date: I have a date, I think. Really it keeps on changing. You would think that I would go with my boyfriend (logically). Yet, it seems that he made a sophomore think that he was taking her to prom. Mi nomio says that he is taking me. I think in the end he will end up doing that but not having a 100% date aggravates me.
-Group: Right now I know of 3 other people for sure. There are 2 other people, a boy and a girl, who are looking for dates right now. We suggested that they go together (plain and simple). The girl is ok with it, yet the guy has to "think" about it. He has a week to decide. I don't understand why he has to think. The work perfect together. UGH! So we don't know if its going to be 6 or 8 people and those numbers matter.
-Ride: Well the ride depends on the numbers. In the end, we are going to be taking the black cab. It will be nice and fun since we don't have to worry about transportation.
-After: what we originally wanted to do was what we did last year, but unfortunately that got changed by the one guy who cannot find a date. So now we have to discuss housing options with other parents, and the big problem is that my parents are so uptight about prom houses.

hehe i know it seems stupid to worry about something as material as this but I like things to be special. :)

I wonder...

I wonder why things happen the way they do.
Are they meant to be that way?
Do we have any say in what the future is?
Is it already planned for us?

Be Jealous!

...

I'm done

Experience

Am I experienced?
Well in what category?
School: You betcha. I've been going to school for over 12 years now.
Love: NO WAY! I have only loved one person. Which I am perfectly ok with. I don't need to fall in love often.
Work: Nope. Which is my problem because everyone is looking for experience, yet I have none. How am I suppose to get a job?

In the comforts of your arms

In the comforts of your arms I rest.
My mind stops, my worries cease.
In the comforts of your arms I sleep.
With peaceful thoughts and dreams a plenty.
In the comforts of your arms I stay,
never wishing to leave that home.

In the look of your eyes I see
the love that always is expressed.
In the look of your eyes I stare
surprised at the passion I catch.
In the look of your eyes I stay,
never wishing to leave that sight.

In the touch of your hands I feel
as if my world is now complete.
In the touch of your hands I stop
and memorize the feeling so deep.
In the touch of your hands I stay,
never wishing to leave that feeling.

In the feel of your kiss I understand
why you say all those words to me.
In the feel of your kiss I find
the truth in your hearts desires.
In the feel of your kiss I stay,
never wishing to leave that love.

In the glow of your smile I bathe,
your happiness turns to mine.
In the glow of your smile I hope
to always be the one to cause.
In the glow of your smile i stay,
never wishing to leave that light.

In the depths of my heart you live,
marking permanently forever.
In the depths of my heart you grow,
every word and expression absorbed.
In the depths of my heart you stay,
no matter what happens you'll always be there.